Right now I’m trying not to pay attention to the raw tender feeling enveloping my esophagus. Turns out the discomfort in my throat I felt a few days ago was not acid reflux, but was actually the stirrings of a mild throat infection/cold or something. 

I hate when I’m sick—especially when my throat is sore, because I feel like a her whose been sapped of his main ability. It just don’t feel right.

I’m mostly hoping I’m all better tomorrow so that I’m in full health for when Tom S. comes by, and presumably spends the night.

Lately I’ve felt like the female avatar in Harvest Moon, busy with chores and responsibilities and the seasons, but really underneath it all I’m planning for marriage… or really just acknowledging the selection of men in my life right now. It’s like, “well, I could get with the miner—he’s really attractive, but idk if we have much in common [but he’s a working actor and he’s super supportive and adorable]… or I could get with the wizard—he’s really cool and mysterious, but he’s super busy and I don’t get to see him very often [because he lives in Berlin most of the year]…or I could get with the fisherman [who gives me the best sex I’ve had in years…but that’s about it for now].” 

Choices, choices…. I just want something definitive before they all find out about each other and I end up hurting them.

My therapist says it’s good that I’m dating three people at once. Yes you heard that right. My therapist is encouraging me. I have a tendency to jump into relationships, so this is a way of stretching myself (literally and figuratively), before I make a quick decision that I might regret.

Ugh I want my throat to be back to normal. I should probably go to sleep soon.

It took me literally fifteen minutes to remember how to log onto this account and ultimately reset my password, and now I don’t even know where to begin…

D____, T__, and T__2. Oh, and the military guy I hooked up with while I was in Oahu last week. 

The idea of becoming an escort has crossed my mind more than once, but I don’t know if I’d be able to reap the same satisfaction from intimacy when it’s a client. And I don’t know how exactly I would go about interacting with people who have negative energy… I can only imagine how much I would have made over the past two weeks if this were indeed my career. 

"Well…you have this way about you…"

"You have a light."

"You seem like the type of person people like to be around."

At the very least, I suppose I should be on Truvada. It feels more like a political statement than a necessity, sort of similar to how I felt when my two moms asked me if they should get married (after being together for 30 years). But they did ultimately get married, and well, that was that. 

Embracing my sexuality has been SO GRATIFYING. I feel more whole. 

The worst part perhaps is that I feel very little guilt.

We haven’t hooked up yet. Only the hot and heavy marathon sexting session culminating in a change of clothes for both parties. Is this cheating? Where is the lie between cheating and porn? What happens when there’s that thin digital wall separating touch between two friends?

It’s an unhappy marriage, the one between my friend, T_____ and his husband, N___. One it would prefer not to recount here or now… Boys moving from the Sticks to the Big City…A husband with an unfulfilling job who takes it out on the friend of mine. Ah, the rancid simmer of growing entrapment. And the bits that bubble over.

Somewhere, out there is another horny male with a conscience, half-heartedly searching the interwebs for safe, guiltless, screen-to-screen cock… 

UGHH OMG I’M SO FUCKING HORNY

If only I gave less pause to using Grindr or Scruff or Chesthair or whatever every gay in my age group uses these days.

The weirdest part of this particular episode of thirst is that I’ve been having extreme lust for T_____… Why is this strange? Well, for one, he has a boyfriend. And two, he and I already hooked up once, after feeling severely manipulated by him into coming over and his incessant prodding, bating my feelings for him… 

And yet, I don’t necessarily feel terrible because his boyfriend has hit on me several times as well. Nearly every time I’ve hung out with them. And I’m 90% sure that those marathon “bathroom” sessions in which his bf will suddenly disappear in the club for twenty minutes, involve something less than kosher. 

Ostensibly, they’re each cheating on each other.

So what keeps me from texting T and jacking off to high heaven? Perhaps my own sense of dignity. 

Though dignity does not another man’s throbbing cock, replace.

Yep. I definitely over-plucked my eyebrows. 

Fuck.

From the bottle, to my fingers, to the keyboard, these keys are becoming greased with the sticky residue of my throat medicine. Gargle 4x a day, swallow 2 of those times, for 2 weeks… It’s less inconvenient, than it is embarrassing, since I doubt M___ enjoys kissing the sweet and acrid flavor it leaves in my mouth.

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With full awareness that this entire endeavor could be a completely selfish and self-serving one with potentially very little value (literary or otherwise) to the random user who stumbles across my posts, I hope that by documenting my neuroses (neurotically documenting?) I’m able to make some sense of the tangled jungle of my twenties, and perhaps pull back a leaf or two from someone else’s.